I was in constant conflict of what have been transpired in my whole life. I had shares of regrets and joys all within the grace of time. When did the cogs of fate begin to turn? It is almost impossible to grasp that answer now, as I have found myself to push harder to walk this world, this life I have yet to live.
However, we forget, we took it for granted back then, in our past, our life, our histories, our memories; we have loved so many, yet hated so much. We hurt others and were hurt ourselves. And whilst we run swiftly as the indian arrow towards the sun, with our laughters echoed, a final realization that we wanted to live without the care in the world. I wonder however that if this is right. I have yet to understand and see where does fate take me. With the grace of time, I admit my impatience and my eagerness for an ‘adventure’ have sometimes cost me more than I can bear.
I don’t regret it though. I learned from it. And I always find the insignificance of the age that determines what one has gone through. You could be 50 years and have not lived a day in your life. And I am not prepared to go there. No. At the sacrifices I have made, I went out and saw part of the world. And I’m not close of being done yet. So many things to do and plenty of time. What is the rush? Carpe diem as I always say. You seize your day as much as possible, and you never regret. The err is human, and we make mistakes every bloody day in our life. You hit the rock bottom before you rise up to be your best. That’s the beauty of a human’s consciousness.
The battle between the heart and the mind determines our walks though. Our decisions are always be divided in between. There are times you have to go with your gut, and there are times you need to sleep on it. Heh, I admit, I tend to follow my heart more than what my mind dictates. And the biggest one has to be when I fell in love. A few times my mind said no, but the heart want what it wants and I have not wasted any time since. I have finally lived the life I’ve always wanted with him and he never failed me. This is where I had said to myself, had I gave the grace of time, I might have lost it forever. So this is indeed the best decision I’ve made in my life. By allowing myself to fall in love pretty deep this time.
However, the test has begun. The test of what we have gained in such a short time has indeed determined the reality of this bond. The test of how one cope with the storms, not just the rainbows and sunny days. And I always remember for every hardship one has to endure, will have the sweetness in the end. ‘The bitter before the sweet ’ is greatly emphasized here. Going through some days without each other’s embraces does hit you home sometimes. Yet we pushed further and further to achieve the best for each other. A motivation, or an inspiration. OR some would just sit down and do nothing, crying themselves to insanity. You have a choice how to cope. You have a choice in everything that you do.
Time is a paradox. Atleast I think so. Theres no man, no human can ever figure it out. All we can to is to live through it. And indeed, time will tell. Until then, I bid you, adieu.
I’ve always been the firm believer of being in love means, you have to work for it. I was never really a believer of fate, or destiny when one falls in love and marry. We are as humans pre-determine our own fate. Be it, fate worse than death or the most wonderful thing that ever happen to you. I was quite cynical, I had my doubts and fears or perhaps I was just too afraid to take a leap to really fall in love with anyone at the time.
I had shares of pointless relationships and I had almost gave away my whole life to people that, sad to say never appreciate the sacrifices I have made. Even with ultimate realization on my part, that I knew they made their own sacrifices. But somehow it was never enough even with the countless of love, and devotion that has been trampled by the foot of ego, doubts, and betrayal. I was close of giving up. I was very close. I forget as to where I should stand and where I should sat down and watch the show. No, I let go. I had to, even it hurts me to the core.
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever gave your whole life to someone, believing that it will come back? I did and my previous experiences have rendered me numb, cold, and sarcastic. And I loathed of what I have become. I was hiding behind the smiles, by which I had to fake because I didn’t want the world to know what happened the closed doors. It was more towards my own selfish desires to hide away my vulnerability, my fears and tears. Slowly, unfortunately it eats me away little by little. I die a little each day knowing that I was living a lie, behind a mask. Even with my partner at the time, I had skeletons in my closets because it would’ve been too much for me to bear.
But then, I realized, it was never that. I was saving. I was saving up for someone who deserved to go in to my world. Knowing every intricate detail of my life, my memories, my history, my past, my present. Perhaps I didn’t know it at the time, but right now I am more than confident to say that I am bloody glad I saved it.
I had no immediate intention of finding love, relationship as getting out of one after 2 miserable years took its toll on me. I wanted a new hobby, or a new lifestyle after being oppressed for so long. I had given up everything for the good of this relationship, to my dismay, I was close to venture through the point of no return. In so many ways, I was shackled, I was tied down to a life that was not meant to live and I felt hopeless, helpless, and weak. I didn’t know who or what am I. I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror knowing that each day i was just up every morning to live a lie. I was never happy, at one point I believed I was, I wanted to believe that I was happy, convincing myself that it was real. I was just in denial. Did I want to go? That was the question wasn’t it? I didn’t, but it was gone. And I told myself, I’m done. I’ve shed my tears, I’ve let go.
And then, it was destiny. Under the water, with nature, with God’s graceful creatures surrounding us, in the middle of the ocean. We fell in love. It was never in the plan, it was never intentional, for both of us, it was never planned. I was afraid, I was terrified of falling and getting hurt again. But this man, has shown me a world that I have never seen before, and made me fall in love with it. It all started out with a very simple text. “I would if I could”. I brushed it off a few times, I was really in denial still, skeptical of what may transpire for the future. I was that afraid to leap into this unknown world again.
Heh, but I did it anyway. I fell in love. We fell in love. It was something that cannot be controlled and it is indeed the bloody best thing that ever happened to me. And we both know it. How are we gonna do it? He has a life of a mercenary and it would be very difficult to cope. However, It was from the very beginning, from the moment we we held hands in the water, to the endless of hours of talks late into the night. It was magic. It was destiny. A lot of people did mention that this could be a rebound thing, and how they are bloody wrong. Judgemental, cynical, skeptical, bitter people who has no idea of what we have together.
For this man, I was ready from the beginning. I have felt like I have known him for years on. We have indeed crossed paths, but it was not until the 1st of April, we finally meet.
A soulmate (or soul mate) is believed by some to be the person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, spirituality, or compatibility. ( wikipedia ).
And I whole heartedly agreed. For everything that we’ve ever talked about, I have indeed found my other half. With my heart that broke to pieces, he helped me to pick the pieces up, and glued it back together. and now he has it on his hands. I am not afraid to say that I am in love. I have found a new passion in life. Diving has made me into the person I have strived for, for years. And as I walk along these roads (rather swim in the water), I learned more and more about myself each day. With the support , he is my best friend, my lover, my life partner, my soul mate, my world, and my everything. With every day, now I wake up with a smile etched on my face knowing that its a new day for him, for us and for our future. I look forward to everything in my life now. I finally lived the life that I’ve always wanted with someone. And he is indeed the one, the only one.
Ofcourse the tranquility, the beauty of this joy comes with a price. All the bitter before the sweet. Indeed it is. A true meaning of relationship measures from how well you cope with the storm that hits the paradise. Will you run away and abandon? Or will stand your ground and fight around it? The strength of the bond will be constantly tested, and it rests to the power of the two. And I for one, admittedly, have a hard time coping. Especially the routine have changed from seeing him everyday to not seeing him for weeks on end. I try my very best to cope, because through out all these pains, these tears, these agony, his love is worth it. Worth every bloody second. For once I have found someone who truly understands me, one who loves me just the way I am. The one. The only one who I am not afraid to admit to spend the rest of my life and the afterlife with. I have truly found him after all these years.
I have yet to see this through, this test, remembering that this is just one of the very very first tests of our bond, our love. I am, however in no doubt, at all. For the very first time in my life, I am very very confident, I have faith he’s coming home. After years of wondering. After years of uncertainty in his life, in mine. He’s coming back… To me.
I love you.
Now, then, always.